I don’t know what to think about you. I can’t believe you’re almost over. You’ve given me the highest of highs, but also the lowest of lows. I’ve felt the most stressed, but also the most accomplished. If you were a movie, you’d be a dystopian that ends off on a cliffhanger. First in many installments. Think the first Divergent movie, but we have no clue at all what’s going to happen next or how many movies there’ll be in the series. Who knows, maybe the series will pull a Harry Potter and whip out eight movies. Maybe it’ll say, “Nah, we’ll be more like The Maze Runner'' and cut things off at a trilogy. We’re never going to know until the end. My point is, 2020 was the definition of a rollercoaster, and even though we don’t know when the world is going to turn right side up again, it’s interesting to reflect on the year.
In the spirit of this being a little yearly recap, I wanted to fill y’all in on all of the really great things that happened this year. Look at my positives of quarantine post for a more detailed summary, but here are some good feels for you!!
During 2020 I…
Got my learner’s permit (stay off the roads, folks)
Got my first internship
Learned how to run again
Turned the big ol’ 1 6
Read so so SO many good books
Lived in sweatpants (it’s a good thing)
Made new friends!
Learned a whole bunch of new things (I mean school is useful for something, right?)
Discovered how nice podcasts were
Belted songs at the top of my lungs
Was very ambitious
Started this freaking blog
Laughed… a lot
Learned the importance of not being afraid to say hello
Took risks (that paid off)
Ate some very delicious food
Was honest with myself
Showed gratitude as much as I could
Tried to shift my mindset
Was really really happy
This happened in 2020; therefore, I'm putting it here
Now that we’ve got all of those warm and fuzzy feelings (there are so many more good things that happened this year; those were just some of my faves), I wanted to discuss how I’ve been feeling overall this year. There’s a post coming out in a couple of weeks with my “year in pixels”, which is basically a summary of my mood tracker for the entire year, but I wanted to put everything into words. This year I started my junior year of high school (but online), which was definitely a huge shift from in-person, laid-back sophomore year. I’ve been pretty hecking stressed, but that also means that I cherish my free time and value relaxing so much more. Even before school started, I went through all the ups and the downs of quarantine and being a teenager, and if I’m being completely honest, I will continue to go through those ups and downs even when the coronavirus is something of history textbooks and I’m nowhere near a teenager. I think what happened this year (and honestly any year) was that it felt like my problems at the time were the whole world, and then when I moved on, they felt like the smallest, most surmountable things. I think those feelings are in part due to how I romanticized my future, but not the present -- I would put such high expectations on my future that the present could never compare. It’s so important to be optimistic, but I’m still learning how to turn that optimism on not only the future but also the present. Yes, my college life will probably be awesome, but that doesn’t mean that I can turn my whole world upside down for one math test next week. In a way, I’m still trying to see the bigger picture.
What goes along with that change in mindset and being more positive is also being real with myself. Again, optimism is so important and I’m still working on being more optimistic, but I also need to balance that optimism with some self-honesty. When I picture my future, I shouldn’t block out all of the possible negative parts, like the stress of college and work. I should recognize the good and the possible bad that’s coming my way, and I think that will help me think more positively about my present and more honestly about my future, which will just help my happiness. Still a work in progress. Who knows what’ll happen in 2021. This is supposed to be a discussion about 2020, not my innermost feelings about optimism.
That rant aside, though, I think 2020 was the year that I learned the most. Even if 2021 isn’t the perfect year we imagine it to be, I’ll continue to learn and that will carry me forward. Even if in college I’m not living my Instagram-worthy, coming-of-age-movie life, I will still be learning and improving myself. In the future, I will for sure be stressed and moody and not happy all the time, but overall, I should still be happy, and that’s all I want.
All in all, 2020, we have a little love-hate relationship going, but aren’t the slow-burn enemies-to-lovers books the best ones? I thought so. As much as I would love to skip ahead to the lovers part of enemies-to-lovers, the slow burn is there for a reason. It’ll all be worth it.
With love,
Caroline
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